I’ve finally done it. I’ve sworn off dating websites forever and always. I can’t take it anymore. Maybe it’s Texas. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. Maybe I’ve just damn well enjoyed all the crap I can take. Enough. No more. Fini. The End. No mas. Over. Nicht mehr. Done. Out with the cats. Cashing in my chips. Turning over a new leaf. Calling it a day. Moving on. Changing my tune. It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. And I’m feeeeeeeeeling….good.
No. This does NOT mean I have no fodder for my dating cannon. It means the torture is over, and I can re-hinge my brain. It’s been about nine miles of broken glass, this hellish trip through the constant pain and disappointment of dating websites, and I feel like I’ve been rode hard and put up wet. And if you aren’t in Texas (or the South), you more’n likely won’t dig that reference. Trust me, it’s strictly PG.
Ah yes, Texas. Land of perilous freeways, (especially in San Antonio), pestilence, envenomating flying creatures who hit and run leaving mayhem in their wakes and victims wondering, “What the HELL was THAT?” and then inventing new cuss words as they run hellbent for leather to Google first aid applications for incredibly painful bites/stings from un-identifiable but highly skilled Ninja assassin insects. Texas: Home to the famous armadillo, best known as a carrier of leprosy. Now that we have Ebola here, why not bring back some old-fashioned leprosy, (now known as “Hansen’s Disease,” because the word “leprosy” apparently didn’t have a real hopeful kind of ring to it), to really liven things up? Eat a few armadillos and see what happens to you.
I don’t mean that of course. I would never recommend eating an armadillo. Not when there are hundreds of snakes around, 11 of which are dangerously venomous (see above for finding first aid tips), not to mention five varieties of scorpions whose stings range from the kind that involve immediate and painful death to mild histamine reactions. My advice? Benadryl. Don’t leave home (in Texas) without it. Texas is a desert. There is one natural lake here. ONE. NATURAL. LAKE. And mountains? Fuggedaboutit. Hills. As in Hill Country, not to be mistaken for Lion Country, Bear Country or Wine Country.
I would love to love Texas. The climate is absurd, and the men…oh, my. Bubbas to the left of me, bubbas to the right, here I am, stuck in San Antone again. I sing songs about Texas–several of them. People love it here; they really do. You can tell, because they don’t leave. In fact, more are moving here all the time. Mostly for jobs, but some because they are mentally unbalanced. (FYI: Texas is not the cure for this. Just sayin’.)
Here’s a riddle:
Q: How can you tell if you’re talking to a Texan?
A: Because Texans are the only people in the world who can say ‘you all’ in one syllable and ‘Texas’ in three.
Texas politics are as unpredictable as the weather. You know it’s always going to be some kind of hideously obnoxious extreme, you will be very uncomfortable when you’re exposed to it, and you never know what the heck is coming in the next 10 minutes.
But what about romance? Is it alive? Is it dead? Do Texans even have romance? Yes, maybe, and sort of. I had a romantic encounter in Texas that involved me driving through an entire night to meet a man I really liked but who lived very far away (in normal terms this would be interpreted as “several states” away…in Texas this can be interpreted as approximately 8000 miles), so that we could have breakfast, then go to a beautiful forest of mesquite trees and watch the sun come up, after and/or during which we had some truly fabulous sex in the front seat of his pickup truck. Now THAT’S romance! It was also the beginning of the best “date “I’ve had since I moved to this
godforsaken beautiful garden spot of the US of A.
I think we can use this Ebola thing to our advantage. Kind of a tourist attraction. Maybe we can put up posters: Come to Texas and get…EBOLA! It’s Not Just For Africa Anymore! Okay, that idea may need some work. But I think there’s got to be a way to turn this thing sideways and squeeze some hell yeah! and hot damn! PR out of it.
~~The Invisible Woman